602nd post

I saw this coming and my heart ached a little. Not that I'm against her(I'm not) or that I'm angry with her(I'm not, again), but seriously. There's something missing already between me and her. When she told me she was attached, I was happy for her. I swear I was. However, somewhere inside of me felt sour. I do want her to find her true love and someone that will be with her till the end. I don't know...something just felt wrong back then. Once she asked me out, somewhere before my prelims, and I was more than just excited. I'm glad, happy, enthusiastic, everything. But when I heard she's bringing her love along, I turned sour again. I nearly wanted to reject her. I didn't. Because I know after that day, she wouldn't have any chance to meet up with her love till the end of her exams. Hence, I obliged.

She told me I flirt and I'm desperate. Yes, both, I am. You mean you want me to tell you "oh no I'm not I don't want a boy I'm independent I'm blah blah blah"? You said best friends should be honest. So I was. In some way or another. I no longer put my number up on the net, for God's sake. I knew I was wrong at the start to put my number up on the net so that people would contact me. I was just too careless.

About my hair, what can I do? You're not the only one who's commented about my hair suiting guys better. From my ballet teacher, to some other close friends, to you. When I snipped my long hair away at the start of the year, it was a little unbearable but I got so sick of having to tie my hair in school and the messy-ness. You know my hair is thick and that it will tangle up easily. I didn't like it. For the tomboyish side of me, I've grown up with my Dad and a whole load of guys. I thought I'd never want to wear a skirt in my whole life(other than uniforms) and will love being tomboyish. It was when I saw how hurt my mother was did I start trying to force myself to start wearing skirts. Mini skirts. Immediately, I get comments flying at me saying "who do you think you are trying to wear mini clothes? you're not at all slim nor sexy so why are you revealing so much of your flesh?" But for the sick of my mother, I hanged on. I thought I could change because I loved my mother alot. Nevertheless, there would still be a tinsy bit of tomboy behaviour in me.

Which girl does not yearn for a romantic relationship? I am still a little tomboyish but after having developed a little feminine character, I saw what relationship was. My relationships didn't last. To be honest, my longest was only three months and one freakin' day. That was my FIRST true relationship where I really loved that guy. I was even willing to do anything to get his love. He turned out to be the first guy who cheated me too. After that, guy after guy, I've never been able to find the one whom I would love like the way I loved the first guy. I kept trying but I kept failing. I guess that would be the reason why I grew so flirtatious and desperate. Agree?

As for Australia, I've already decided on applying for a PR in Australia once I enter one of their universities in Australia. I've decided on spending the rest of my life in Australia. I know it's a risk, a dangerous bet. But it's better than to stay in such a strict, tight, fierce and fastgoing country. Where I can't kiss girls/guys on the cheeks without being called a lesbian/flirt. Where I can't call a guy sweetie/honey/darling without being called his girlfriend. I'm not in for this lifestyle. I've had too much of a British/Australian lifestyle. Why do you think I want to place a bet on my life to start a fresh new life in Australia? It took me two whole years to consider on that. I was even considering London.

I didn't choose a random male friend than you. You said you were going to prom with your love so how could I be with you all the time? Definitely I have to give you and your love time for privacy don't you think? I wouldn't even want to share a hotel room with you and your love. I wanted you and your love to be together without a gooseberry. I am sorry for saying those words. I told you it was at the slip of my tongue. I'm sorry, I apologize, what else do you want me to do?

I'm not blogging for popularity. What for? Blogging for popularity and having more and more people coming to your blog spilling bad and blind comments on you? I wouldn't want that. Polar bear was not Myren. Polar bear was Arthur. I was close to him and everything but I didn't expect Arthur to totally stop talking to me when he had his girlfriend. Would you be happy if you had a close guy friend who talked to you all of the time, cheered you up when you felt down, cheered you on during your ballet exams every year, and all of the sudden ignore you when he got his girlfriend? Not that I wished to be his girlfriend because whenever I'm out with him there's just something missing between both of us, causing both of us to feel awkward when we were together on a date. And I'm not back on track with Myren. Since when? We just went out to study and stuff, WITH felix, one of our another friend. It was Felix and their other friends who kept teasing Myren and me saying both of us are an item when we are not. I very clearly know what are Myren's goals. To be a bodybuilder and to marry a female bodybuilder. I was only out to study with him and Felix. And the posts about Myren were just plainly for the fun of it.

About the dyeing of hair, I've already wanted to that for ages. Even before you told me you wanted to highlight your hair red. It was since the day Justin announced there will be prom night that I went to plan on what dress/shoes I wanted to wear and what colour I wanted my hair to be. I was the one who told you I wanted my dress to be of red/brown colour and that I wanted to wear boots. I also added I wanted my hair red. THE WHOLE HEAD RED.

I did not look for NS guys. All of the NS guys I knew through the net were all the ones who came up to me and not the ones I went up to. Frankly speaking, I've always been relying on you for advices and for opinions. Maybe you're just honest and maybe I was just mad. But I thought your words left a great impact in me. I can change the guys I talk to like the way I change my clothes. But my feelings cannot change like the way I change my clothes. Until now, I haven't found a single guy I can totally trust. I talk to them for the fun of it, to have someone to talk to when I'm down, when the things I wanna talk about cannot be told to my mother or when the the things I wanna talk about cannot bring about the best opinions from you.

About being bitchy, yes, it's true. Everyone is. If you thought I was dishonest, then I'm being honest with you here now. I did have fun with you too. Spending recess/lunch time together with you. Spending holidays with you in town splurging. It was fun. Very fun. And I missed those times. If you feel cheated, I don't know what to say. Maybe you need to tell me how I have cheated on you. I don't want to be like XiaXue or fcukling. I'm not and I know I never will be. I blog my emotions, feelings and whatever I feel like talking about.

farking off~RYNETTA