sick of this life

I remember how I used to say "shit!" during badminton whenever I miss a shot or something and Ryan would go "yep, and you're full of it." I know he's joking and all but I think he made sense. I AM full of shit.

I'm getting more and more sick of life. I don't know if it's as bad as Hy's. I don't have a Mummy who terrorises my life. But I have a life that terrorises me.

I just realised that I no longer have anyone to confide in, in Canning College. I can't keep pouring on Petrus because he himself has his own things and problems to deal with. As for the rest, I don't know. After what happened at the end of last sem, I no longer seem to trust anyone anymore. I kept comforting myself, telling myself it'll only be another 2.5 months before I leave Canning College officially. But no. These words ain't gonna work ALL THE TIME.

I know when I'm older, I'd come back to this post thinking, "HA! WHAT A CHILDISH LOSER I WAS BACK THEN!" But for now, I can't care less. This, reminds me of a phrase I saw in a book in Kevin's house the other day. In a world that couldn't care less, we are to be people who couldn't care more. For now, I can't care less.

I hate to say this but I think I live a pretty fucked up life. I know I ain't supposed to be cursing and swearing but I've had enough of this life. I never had a wonderful childhood. I never had a wonderful primary school moment. I never had a wonderful secondary school moment. And am I not gonna have even ONE wonderful college moment here in Australia?

I should be happy that God actually gave me a life. I should be. But I don't find myself enjoying a single bit of it. I'm sorry, God, I really ain't. God doesn't want us to be a loner. But I find myself no better than a loner now.

I see girls with boyfriends doting them. I envy them. I see people my age having friends around them, chitchatting like tomorrow never comes. I envy them. I see middle-aged people married and still as loving as ever. I envy them. What happened to those days where I had friends around me, where I found trust and loyalty? I find no trust now. I find no loyalty. And I'm turning from envy to jealousy.

No one reads my blog anymore. At least no one from my college. Some people have gone over my limits and it's really pissing me off but I don't know how to express my feelings to them. No one in college knows what it feels like being me. Being someone with no one left to trust, being someone who's going to lose a dear loved one.

Life does sucks. And it's not for a moment anymore. It sucked since I started my education at age THREE. And it never got any better.

But I don't wanna die. Not so soon. I still want to be with my parents till the ends of the earth. Till I see them leave.

signing off~RYNETTA