CAKE!

Yeah last night was a terrible night but tonight was awesome!

As tired as I am, at least we had chicken rice for dinner (thanks Toby!) and we got to eat Cloud 9's wedding cake (thanks Aole!)

There's always gonna be another mountain, there's always gonna be an uphill battle, but there will also be downhill bliss once in a while :)

signing off~DE XIN

HAHA

Cloud 9 rehearsals are really hilarious. Take yesterday for example. KJ was playing jump rope and trying doubles and Aole was asking if KJ could do triple.

Aole: "KJ, can you do a triple on that?"

KJ: "Yeah I can but it is really hurt."

Aole: "Oh yeah it IS really hurt."

AHAHAHA. And last night after rehearsal, I found out Lea and KJ both live really close to me so Daddy and Mummy could give them a lift home. When three of us were walking to the taxi stand, KJ and I were talking about where my ancestors came from.

KJ: "Are your parents from China?"
Me: "My Dad's Dad is fro--"

*BUMPHLFPH*

KJ walked right into PILLAR. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

signing off~DE XIN

INTRODUCING THE CHIA FAMILY

At Singtel Shop, Mummy and I were discussing about our plan to watch Mao's Last Dancer soon..

Me: "Garden City ar? Coffee and cake at Michel's Pattisserie then movie ah? But I want Innaloo leh."

Mummy: "But Innaloo cannot coffee and cake."

Me: "Nehmind, we go Ikea for meatballs and coffee then we go Innaloo for movie."

Mummy: "SET"

Knowing perfectly well we're in Singapore, not in Perth.

On the way home, Mummy and Daddy were talking about the traffic jam along the expressway we were about to enter..

Mummy: "You think still got jam or not ar?"

Daddy: "Confirm lah."

Mummy: "Huh then how? Got other ways not?"
Daddy: "Gooot.."
Mummy: "Huh got ah? Which way you wanna use?"
Daddy (EVER SO CALMLY): "Fly."

Mummy was saying something about the orange she was saying..

Mummy: "This is orange mah."

De Xin: "Ya luh then, purple ar?"
*awkward silence*

Daddy was biting very hard into his fruit and something came to my mind..

Me: "Eh, what if you bite so hard one day your dentures get stuck on your fruit how?"

Daddy: "I'll eat my dentures."

signing off~DE XIN

RAIN

Halfway through Cloud 9 rehearsals, I suddenly had migraine. 3rd time this month, not funny at all. Cloud 9 ended later than schedule and I was really dying. Feeling weak and all, once rehearsals ended I packed up and scooted off only to realise it was raining.

On normal raining days I would choose to wait but today I didn't. I forgot to bring my painkillers and I was really about to just collapse any moment and so I walked through the rain. To make it worse, the rain got heavier and heavier as I walked through it. By the time I reached the traffic junction outside Fu Lu Shou, my hair was completely drenched and rain was practically rolling down my cheeks.

With all the stuff I have on hand, assessments and auditions and emotional pains, I was on the brink of letting tears roll down and out of no where this kind lady "bumped" into me to offer me her umbrella. She walked me all the way to my bus stop before she went to the mrt station.

This country could do more of this kind of love.

signing off~DE XIN

WHERE'D YOU GO

I can't stand it. I miss you like insane and it's driving me nuts. I tried to find reasons to get angry at you but I can't seem to stay angry with you each time for more than 5 minutes. I tried to distract myself from all the things I have on hand but each time I'm alone, not doing or thinking about anything, you start to flood my mind.

I gave myself excuses like, "maybe you fell for the guy in the phone and not the guy you met" but your face starts to haunt my mind and I can't forget the times you pick me up and send me back home safely each time we meet up. The conversations we had, the awkward moments you claim to like and...the bear.

I've detached that bear from my phone for about a week now but I just cannot forget that incident. It may not have been the most major event in my life (uh, obviously not) but the sweetness behind it, how it used to make me smile each time I recall, now makes me nostalgic.

I miss anticipating your sms replies, I miss laughing at your messages, making myself look like a fool laughing at her phone.

Remember that crocodile picture I sent you? Did you know I used it as my wallpaper for a few days until it made me miss you too much and I changed it. Each time I see any BMW 6 series on the road, I'll think of how you tricked me into believing you have one yourself.

This may not be killing me but it does make me feel empty, like something's missing. Normally for situations like that I will not admit to anyone, not even myself, that I'm interested in someone. But now..? When people ask me if I'm interested in anyone, I may try to hesitate as long as I could but I couldn't escape it; I end up mentioning you.

I may calmly say, "if he messages me I'll reply. If not, too bad for him." But it's a total lie. I'm not anywhere near calm on the inside. I'm thinking of the things you could be doing at present, your busy schedule, which prevented us to meet on top of my very own busy schedule, which led to all these.

I don't know if you'll ever read this. Something tells me you won't. But I miss you like insane. And it's driving me nuts.

signing off~DE XIN

WHAT'S HAPPENING AROUND ME

This feeling of peace and tranquility as I plant myself here at the frass, watching the world go by and cliques at other different spots on the frass, some just chilling and chatting, some watching a video on one of their laptops together.

All I'm missing is my cup of coffee.

Damn all these rehearsals, making me spend so much money on meals and snacks. But I guess something's gotta give. I'm learning so much on acting now it's exponentially increasing my interest in theatre.

It's been more than a week now and not once have I dreaded this rehearsal. Maybe 'cos it's my first acting show I'm helping with; something fresh, something to break routine. If not for the IP, I wouldn't be this tired.

No no, I'm not complaining about IP. I'm complaining about...having to do so many things at this moment. But then again, 2 more assessments are over this week, IP will be over after tonight and there will only be two more assessments before my musical theatre and acting auditions. By May 17th, I'M FREE to rot.

What should I do huh. For half of May and the whole of June. Find backstage jobs? I'll try. Ok, enough ranting. Maybe I can do a short nap, then I won't spend more money on more snacks.

signing off~DE XIN

AS CONTINUED

Hokay, I went for Cloud 9's rehearsal and helped as FOH for the level 2 actors' IPs. Although I'm so damn super tired but I have to admit it was fun. I mean, what's more enjoyable than to see behind-the-scenes of a show live, right in front of you. Then, running around school just to bring people from one place to another for the IP show..

Ok, not around school. Just from Block F's lift lobby to the staircase outside H102.

All that, plus morning and afternoon classes...enough to make me go home, collapse into bed (sitting position) and stone for an hour. No kidding.

Now..I'm in the library trying to memorise lines. Gah. I wanted to sleep but I can't sleep at ease because of all these lines in front of me!!

signing off~DE XIN

SHOULD I?

Oh how I love to blog in school whenever I'm bored 'cos that's when I have billions of things going through my mind. I'm craving for chocolate. Hmmm this stress period is so far the worst I've had and it's giving my weird cravings!

Tobi's revising stuff with us. Gah. Bored. I'm so tired I can just sleep now. I was even falling asleep during dance technique classes this morning. Tonight's not going to be any better! All the way till 11pm. LIKEWISE FOR TOMORROW. I can't believe I'm whining.

Cloud 9's rehearsal starts at 3 today. Should I go before I stand by for the level 2 acting's Individual Projects at 7.50pm? I really miss Cloud 9. It was totally tempting to go for Cloud 9's rehearsal yesterday if I didn't have to go for the IP's front of house meeting.

Ah well, I'll see how later.

signing off~DE XIN

LONER?

I don't know about you but there are times where I just love being alone, undisturbed, untouched. No, I'm not usually like this. On normal basis I love spending time with my parents and close friends but actually I was never a crowd person. I don't like being around too many people.

Maybe that's why during classes I'm almost always at the side and I rarely interact with the rest. Very minimal. But when I'm alone with Yi Xin and/or Eva and/or Jia Rong, I can be as loud as hell or doing stupid things. I'm just more comfortable with small groups.

Even shopping. I almost always much prefer shopping during off-peak periods. Like weekday afternoons. And when I choose shops to enter, I almost always enter empty shops. If the shop has more than 3 people in one corner, I either don't enter the shop or I don't move to that corner,

But loner? Is it normal? For me to not want to talk or be with anyone sometimes? Just last night after going home I went straight to my room and started doing my stuff. I didn't talk to my friends on msn, I got agitated when my parents disturbed me (and I think they sensed it and eventually left me alone for the rest of the night) and I didn't even bother checking my phone.

I'm still lingering in that mood now if you have to ask. I'm all alone outside F305 and I'm actually enjoying it, happily munching on the milo cereal that came in that assessment goodie bag my school so generously gave. It's just so much more peaceful when I give myself alone time.

Don't get me wrong, I have my wild moments and it's not rare. I'm not emo, I'm just giving myself a break from the world. If I could I'd sip on my machiatto (IF IT'S NOT SO %@&$ING EXPENSIVE IN SINGAPORE) everyday and observe the world go by. There's just so much I can absorb, so much I can wonder.

Yes, I'm a thinker. And I'm not ashamed to be one.

signing off~DE XIN

CALCIUM MUCH?

Over lunch today with Audrey, Cindi, Wilfred, Kezia, Ashley, Jesher and Chris, Wilfred pointed at Cindi's nails and said Cindi is lack of calcium.

I looked at my white painted nails and went, "woh, I have loads of calcium."

Only one person got the joke and laughed. Ashley.

signing off~DE XIN

JK ROWLING

A friend sent me a video of JK Rowling Harvard Commencement Speech - June 5 2008 on Youtube and I am seriously dumbfounded by JK Rowling's level of intelligence! I KNEW she was smart and imaginative and all, to have came up with all those books but little did I know she could be SO inspiring in her speech!

Here are a few short quotes:

"There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction."

"Rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuild my life."

"Life is not a checklist of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life."

"Life is difficult and complicated and beyond anyone's control. And the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes."

"I think the willfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid."

"What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality."

"If you choose to use your status and influence to raise you voice on behalf of those who have no voice, if you choose to identify not only with the powerful but with the powerless, if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change."

"We have the power to imagine better"

"As is a tale, so is life. Not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."

C'mon, you have to agree she's some powerful speaker!

signing off~DE XIN

PERTH

Okok. I'm here to compile a list of things and places I wanna do/go/eat when I'm in Perth!!

Nando's

Broadway Pizza

Little Caesar's Pizza

Sienna's

Ciao Italia

Concas

Hyatt Buffet

Swan Valley

Harbour Town

Subiaco

People in Perth! Bring me around!

signing off~DE XIN

KARMA

What goes around comes around, what goes up must come down.

Don't come crying and desiring to come back to me one day.

signing off~DE XIN

MUM+SISTER+BESTFRIEND

This morning as I was rushing about to get ready to leave home for singing lessons in LASALLE, I conveniently took the waffle that had peanut butter spread and Mummy drove me off to school.

The story about me and your neighbourhood waffles is that when I was younger, I went to Yamaha for ballet lessons (for my first few years of ballet from the age of 3 to 7). Below Yamaha was this bakery that had your normal breads and pastries and such and also a corner where they placed their waffle machines. Alongside would be buckets of different spreads; blueberry jam, peanut butter, kaya, chocolate, strawberry, etc.

My favourites have always been blueberry jam and peanut butter. If I could I'd ask for a mix.

So on the way to school, Mummy asked, "your favourite is blueberry right? The lady said blueberry jam not ready so I said nevermind and just chose peanut butter."

I don't know how to describe this feeling. This....love? Understanding? Connection? I have NEVER told her my two favourite spreads. She just knew. Like how she knows what kind of food/snacks I like at different periods.

I love this lady in my life. My mum, my sister, my best friend.

signing off~DE XIN

ME AND MY MIND

I remember how back then when I was still in Chung Cheng, I had to go back to school on Saturdays for either Co-Curriculum Activities (CCA) or remedial lessons. I. TOTALLY. DREADED. IT.

Now? Here in LASALLE, I have to come back to school on Saturdays for singing lessons and rehearsals which I have to help with backstage but somehow I enjoy it. In fact I looked forward to these two events today and rehearsal wasn't even compulsory for me.

I could've stayed in bed till noon and wake up just in time for lunch and rot my day away at home while waiting for time to go for CG but I didn't. Actually I didn't want to. I sprung out of bed at 10am, showered, got ready and Mummy sent me off to school. After singing with Ralph I happily scooted off next door for Cloud 9's rehearsal.

While singing it kept my mind off things 'cos I had to concentrate so hard. During cloud 9 I have to do the blocking and while I'm not blocking I'm happy laughing away at the scenes.

I guess this could do. I don't end up thinking too much.

signing off~DE XIN

PRIOR/ITY/ITIZE

During ballet exam this arvo, something hit me real bad. Something about priorities in life.

Ok so. I can work my arse off to be the best at what I wanna do (with relations to my future career life) and hopefully succeed and earn big bucks/enjoy what I'm doing at my fullest BUT I lose all my friends and loves ones along the way after spending 99.9% on my work and 0.1% on people.

Also, I can put in all my efforts spreading as much love as I can all around me, making friends with everyone, always being there for every single friend with loads of love and support and earn loads of reputation and respect for the love I give BUT I have barely anything to live on because I did not train in any form of profession to earn proper money.

Lastly, I can choose to give as much love as I can to a close group of friends and at the same time use the remaining energy (which is probably half left) to train in a preferred profession and end up being mediocre in everything. In other words, jack of all trades, master of none.

So we've got a scale here. With spreading love to all at extreme left, and gaining ultimate success in whichever profession at extreme right and mediocre right smack in the middle. I know Jesus would be extreme left, beyond the scale even because He doesn't need the money/profession 'cos God provides. Satan would be extreme right, also beyond the scale, because he hates love.

Where would you wanna be?

I wish I could be at anywhere on the point of the scale, anywhere but middle. I wanna be able to be the best at the profession I choose to work on and at the same time give as much love as I can to everyone, even more to those closed ones. BUT HOW?!

I must find balance. Somehow. God, please lead me in this life that was never mine but always Yours.

signing off~DE XIN

PRIORITY?

Yesterday after Design and Technology, most dancers went off to practise for this morning's contemporary exam and where did I go?

F305 for Cloud 9 rehearsal.

Today after Salsa, most dancers went off to think of tomorrow's ballet exam and where did I go?

F305 for Cloud 9 rehearsal, followed by Creative Cube for The Wonderful World of Dissocia.

Somehow...I don't feel guilty. Maybe 'cos...these things help me get my mind off things. The way Betty is so beautifully tall and sexy in his/her corset. The way Cathy is so freaking cute in his/her metallic purple dress and 2 ponytails. They make me go hysterical, make me actually relax from the busy, tensed up and emotional life I'm in at the moment.

And, the thing about painkillers. They give you the ability to push yourself to your maximum (or maybe even more) when you need to and that's great, REALLY great. But..the moment those painkillers wear off, it totally sucks to discover new injuries because you wouldn't have know you pushed yourself too much while you were on your painkillers.

Oh well.

signing off~DE XIN

ESCAPE

It's funny how the only thing that's taking up most of my time is what's keeping my mind off all the stress I'm going through.

Oh the irony.

Cloud 9 is like my distraction. An imaginary world where I escape into.

signing off~DE XIN

LATELY..

Ok, enough emo-ing. Life hasn't been very easy on me for the past week or two. Or three. Three auditions, helping out with my acting seniors' rehearsals and exams coming up.

Have already had a few major break downs within these two weeks. And also days where I literally come home, go straight up to my room, dump everything on the floor without bothering to pack them nicely and just collapse into my bed crying. How did I manage to let what people say about me affect me? What happened to just trying the best I can and not caring about untrue and nonconstructive things people have to say?

Audition for dance is over, actually. Ever since that audition (last Tuesday) my body has yet to stop aching/feeling sore. My inner thighs, especially. Just when they were getting slightly better after the audition, I over-stretched them again while doing my grand jete. Bravo.

Cloud 9 rehearsals have started. Every weekday except Tuesdays I'll be in school till 7 plus in the evening. Mainly helping the seniors if they forget their lines but occasionally doing stuff like, holding the door open so that they can literally zoom off stage haha. OH and costume searching was fun. No, watching them try on the costume was fun-er. Especially Kevin and Chad cross dressing..oooohh it can't get any funnier. For now Chad has this corset thingy and his moobs look bigger than my boobs.

I'm supposed to help out in my dance seniors' dance shows as Front of House and Assistant Stage Managers but I REALLY CAN'T. I'm so packed with stuff I don't have time to practise/revise for my exams! My audition preparation is not even up to standard yet. Harris!!!

I guess this is the life of a performing artist huh. Actually, I think what I'm going through is just peanuts as compared to what professional performing artists are actually going through out there. So I guess. I gotta just suck it up and draw strength from God and make it through somehow! I know God's with me, right, God? :)

People ask me why I let the whole world know about my life. I guess I just need somewhere to rant? Why not in private? Hmm. 'Cos I'm proud of my life? I'm proud being a performing artist in the making, I'm proud of being God's child/princess/instrument. And people should also know the life of a performing artist AND a Christian ain't exactly that smooth sailing.

Even people in First Class seats have to go through the same turbulence as those in economy class, no?

I wonder what he thinks of me. Or rather, does he even think about me?

signing off~DE XIN

INSECURITY

Was listening to Bette Midler's The Rose while I was in bus 14 on my way home.

That same one particular line keeps repeating in my head.

Non-stop.

"That love is for the lucky and the strong."

When? When did I become this insecure? What happened to the old me where I so daringly fell in love with just anyone that has interesting personalities and catches my eye?

What's with his fear inside of me? When my heart's been broken too many times that maybe it's about time I got used to it?

But then again. Like what Kelly Clarkson sang about.

"My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with."

signing off~DE XIN