DOUBLE BLOW.

1) I couldn't finish my economics paper.
2) Greatgrandma passed away.

I'm not in the right mind or mood to actually blog right now but I know I just have to pen this down.

Yep, Greatgrandma has left. I can't do much, can I? I'm not gonna scream and wail and ask God to bring her back to life. Not because I don't want to. But because I know it just can't be done.

This is quite tough on me. I just recently surrendered Greatgrandma back into God's hands and she became unstable. I took her back, felt so uneasy and surrendered her back into God's hands once again. Now, God totally took her away from me.

It all happened with an unfinished economics paper. I walked home feeling dejected but after saying millions of prayers, I felt better. When I got home, my eye lids twitched profusely. That has been going on for days, weeks even. But I kept telling myself to stop being so superstitious and trust God. BUT it twitched so much it kept me feeling doubtful. Like something's just gonna happen.

Mummy was out with the good friend's mother since morning and she had not been home since. She called at around 1 plus, asking if I wanted cheesecake. She was at Harbourtown, you see, and Harbourtown's Gloria Jeans had cookies and cream cheesecake. So I said yes and we hung up.

About half an hour later, at exactly 2.31pm (I remember that time because I was just about to check my phone for the time because I was running late), Mummy called again. I thought she was gonna say there were no cheesecakes left. Ha. Ha. But she didn't.

"You leave the house already?"

"No, why?"

"What colour clothes you wearing?"

"Uh, blue, why??"

"No la because...Daddy called just now. Ah Zhor passed away.

I was applying make up at that moment and when I heard the sentence "Ah Zhor passed away", I just froze. Looked at myself in the mirror.

What am I doing?!

Why was I putting on make up just to make myself look prettier when Greatgrandma passed away?!

I was too stunned to do anything and so I just finished up on my foundation (no blush no eyeliner no nothing), packed the stuff I need, messaged the good friend, and left for church.

The good friend hadn't read my message when I reached church. When he read it, he immediately came to my side, apologized and asked if I was ok. I couldn't take it anymore and so I ran to the toilet in tears.

I guess I spent more than 10 minutes in there. Kept telling myself my purpose today was to serve God and not let others serve me because of my sadness. And so I went back to the hall.

The good friend came and sat beside me. Tears still rolled down my cheeks. The good friend pulled (not literally) me out of the hall. We sat in silence while I continued crying. He offered to pray, with his arms around me.

I had my first laughter when a dried leaf fell and hit the good friend's face. Heh. I really thought it was quite funny. We chatted a bit. Talked about his side of family problems. After a good 2o minutes or so, I felt better and the good friend went back to his ministry.

Checked my phone. One miss call. Mummy. Worried, I immediately returned the call (I normally don't return calls when I'm ushering...not even when service hasn't started). Mummy said she was THINKING of coming to church so that Greatgrandma could be prayed for. I told her it's entirely up to her and that if she wanted to she could give me a ring when she's reached.

She came.

Although Mummy was still all laughs and smiles and didn't appear to be crying, I could see from her eyes that she's deep in thoughts. VERY deep in thoughts.

Mummy and I went down during alter call. Many followed behind us. Garry, Junie, Mishi, Debbie and so on. Mishi prayed for us. Pastor Patrick saw what was happening and asked James' mother to come down and pray for us. Pastor Joyce stood by and prayed along. When James' mother was done, Pastor Joyce prayed.

Today was the first time in a very long while I saw Mummy cry so badly. I remember the last time I saw her cry so badly was when I did something that really upset her. Something really foolish.

Junie followed me up to my seat after alter call and asked what happened. I broke down again telling her Greatgrandma passed away. She hugged me real tight and prayed for me again.

After service, I got Pastor Joyce to pray for us once more and Mummy and I walked home. I didn't even stay for debrief. I knew Mummy couldn't wait and I wasn't in the right state either.

On the way back, I told Mummy that if she ever feel like crying, she should just let it out. And that if she needs someone to talk to when I'm busy, she can always call back home or call her friends here in Perth. On top of that, I gave her a peck on the cheek. I hope she's much better now.

Many thanks to those who've been praying for me. Like Joshua Chin, Mishi, the good friend, Aunty Jo, Garry and so on. Me not mentioning your name doesn't mean I've left you out. I still owe you much gratitude.

Much thanks to the good friend and Mishi. They've been the greatest support ever since Greatgrandma got into an unstable condition.

Greatest thanks to Daddy for constantly visiting Greatgrandma, staying by her side at the absence of Mummy and I and updating Mummy and I on Greatgrandma.

There goes my 18th year. No celebration allowed. Which means no birthday songs, no cakes with candles, no cards from people who know what happened. The most I can go is just maybe cakes but with no candles.

So if I refuse to blow out candles on cakes, or if I run away when a birthday song is sang for me, you know why. I hope you guys will understand.

I've cried my eyes well swollen. The last time I cried this badly was during SFAS 2006 when Greatgrandma was expected to pass on. She's struggled this far. All praises to the Lord.

I guess I can't study tonight. Can't gather myself to do so.

People, please, please, please pray for my remaining two exams.

13/06/2007 (Wednesday) will be MATH1010 Calculus and Linear Algebra from 2.00pm till 5.10pm
19/06/2007 (Tuesday) will be CITS1211 Foundations of Computer Science from 2.00pm till 4.10pm

Dinner eaten. Cookies and cream cheesecake. I'm sure it would've tasted better if I ain't in this state. But the fact that the cheesecake can still wake my taste buds up a bit means the cheesecake's a bomb. Gloria Jeans' cheesecakes are the best I've tried so far in Perth.

The last time I lost someone this close would be when I was just barely 14. That wasn't as bad. Because I lost contact with that uncle for years. Whereas I was quite close to Greatgrandma.

Grandma's not in a very good state either. She was crying into the phone when Mummy called back.

Ok I'm getting more random. Random as in I can't link one paragraph to another anymore. I better get off.

signing off~DE XIN